Best drugstore care for your head corpses

I just can’t resist after reading this.  I am the world expert in shampoos and conditioners.  Sorry, boys, unless you have a lot of hair, this one is not for you.

Face it: hair is dead cells.  So we take care of our head corpses as diligently as the Egyptians.  My dead corpses – nay, vampires – are thick, voluminous and wavy to boot, which means a lot of bad-hair days.  Some days the vampires decide to line up beautifully, and some days they go into a depression.  Smearing them with gunk makes it worse.  The best is to fight them guerilla-wise, so I have about 12 bottles of shampoos and conditioners under my sink, not counting the other corpse-boosting stuff. 

If you have thick hair like mine, don’t fight it with excessive pampering (it’s dead anyway), or if you do, concede defeat for the day and go on – there is always tomorrow, and you can’t predict the outcome of the battle.  My best favorite shampoo and conditioner were the Daisy Fuentes’ ones for wavy/curly hair, but I can’t find them in the local stores anymore.  Panthene’s are too heavy, and Herbal Essences work in fits.  I don’t like any of the brands they sell at Beauty Store – they smell awful (fungus smell).  I want Daisy Fuentes’ brainchildren!

OK, now that I am on subject on head vampires – one day, three years ago, I decided to bleach my exceedingly dark hair.  I took 6 bleaches at 40%, but at last I had this fantastic platinum shade I desired.  So I went to bed.  The next morning, I woke up with half of my hair off, the roots orange.  I grimly cut the other half and bleached again.  My corpses were now less than an inch long.  I bleached until I was blue in the face, for a year, keeping the pixie cut throughout.  Until Jude run his fingers through my straw-like corpses and said, “I miss your soft black hair.”  That did it – the next day, I bought the blackest black hair color and died my vampires. 

But the vampires were vindictive, and my hair turned purple.  And purpler, and purpler, with every next shampoo.  “You know,” one of my students said, “this is because you bought the wrong shade of black”  (up to this moment, I hadn’t realized that black can have different shades).  “Buy the Natural Black,” she said, “and you’ll be fine.”  I did, and since then I keep the vampires in the dark.

Again – read the linked article at the beginning of this post and make peace with your own vampires.


8 thoughts on “Best drugstore care for your head corpses

  1. Well now, if you’d mentioned hair I would have visited this blog sooner. I tried brunette but it just wouldn’t take; blonde just seems to be the way to go for me. I’m divided on fancy hair care; some of the Kerastase stuff is pretty awesome, but it’s damned expensive, as is the vegan-hippie-happy Pureology. Also, have you looked on Amazon etc. for your DF stuff? You never know what will turn up there.

    1. I bought Pureology while I was blond, and it’s good, but you’re right – it’s expensive. I haven’t tried kerastese and will do so asap. But seriously – whatever I do with my hair, it gets messed up. Two months ago, btw, I had this idea of being blond again, regardless of the consequences, and so I go to the local Beauty Store, where they also have a top colorist on site. I was absolutely going to go for it if the guy had an instant opening. But he decided to play inaccessible, so I just went across the street and got an hour-and-a-half lymphatic drainage massage from the best masseuse ever. And the urge to go blond disappeared!

      I did look up DF online, but the links I checked turned out to be outdated. Will check again though. Daisy has this Pilates workout video that I like.

  2. Now, I must take issue with the article that gave rise to Rali’s blog. It is a clear advertisement for some new product, which strives to set itself apart by indiscriminately criticizing all other hair care products. Now, I cannot comment on coloring or what it takes to care for colored hair, but for vampires like mine –which have clear minds of their own– shampoo does matter. These little critters may be dead, but they want to look alive and free.

    For expensive products, try Keratase, for cheaper, Pantene.

    There is a point at which you must stop the bondage and dominance and let them roam on their own. Rali, you may want to try a less is more approach. It is hopeless to try to dominate vampires. They would not take it when they were alive, and certainly will not be submissive now.

    Ragdoll maven

  3. I’ve had the same hairstyle since 1986. I don’t understand this obsession with constantly modifying one’s appearance. When I go to get my hair cut, and they ask “how do you want it?”, I say “shorter.” That’s it. Although I do wish Brill Cream would make a comeback.

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